Voice
by Accidentally The Whole Fanfic
Summary: To Eve, Dan seems like the perfect prospective one-night stand. That is, until she finds out his terrible secret...


Voice

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The old saying had oftentimes been repeated to her many times, but she would always brush it off:

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"Appearance can be deceiving. What you see isn't always what you get."

Eve buried her face in her hands and sobbed. It wasn't supposed to be this way! Why? Why?! He'd seemed so... perfect. So beautiful. So into her. And then, he'd... he'd..._ he'd_...

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He'd spoken.

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The Moonlight Café was open for business! Eve and Duke had patiently, eagerly awaited their first customers... and, in such a small town, they hadn't had to wait long. Before they knew it, the tiny little bar was packed.

"Uncle Duke! I think it's going to be a success!" Eve whispered excitedly as she balanced a drink-loaded tray on one hand, patting him on the shoulder and smiling. Duke chuckled and flash her a thumbs-up, and Eve made her way to the table where Ray, Joe, and Basil sat, setting their beers down in front of them.

"Bottoms up!" she said, her husky voice brimming with joy. "There you go, gentlemen!"

"You're the best, Eve!" Joe laughed, eliciting agreements from the other two men at the table.

"Awww, you're so sweet!" Eve cooed, tweaking his ear. "Well, holler if you'd like anything else, fellas..." With a quick wink, she sauntered back off behind the bar.

That was when she'd spotted him. Gorgeous. Flawless. A tall, slender, tanned beauty of a man - silky black hair flowing down to his shoulders, tied back by a red bandana; almond-shaped eyes the color of periwinkle; the faintest hint of muscle on his bare arms, accented by only a small but tasteful ring-pattern tattoo.

Eve's nipples hardened and her vagina quivered in preparation. She was going to flirt his damn pants off and have him by the end of the night. She hadn't had a man in three years. She was going to _tear him up_.

With a quick flick of the wrist and yank of the string, Eve tightened the bust of her blouse, drawing her breasts up higher and amplifying her cleavage. Handsome noticed, and raised an eyebrow appreciatively. _I've got him!_ she thought triumphantly.

"_Hello_, stranger," Eve purred, sashaying up to him. "I don't think I've seen _your _unforgettably handsome face around here before..."

He grinned. Beautiful teeth, beautiful lips, wonderful smile. She knew she would enjoy ramming her tongue in there in a few short hours.

Eve chuckled sensually. "What's your name, sexy fella?"

And then it happened.

He spoke.

In a voice so ungodly squeaky, so warbling that he had to be a Muppet, he answered: "You sure know how to sweet-talk a man, Toots! I'm Dan, Dan the Dan Man!"

Eve's jaw dropped. Her vagina clenched and puckered. Her breasts drooped. "Ah-ah-ah.... I-I... well, that's okay! I, uhhh, mean... I'm Eve!" She held out her hand. "Nice to meet you, Daniel."

"Dan," he mumbled as he took her hand and kissed it. Eve blushed. Well, he _was_ still handsome... and maybe he wasn't a very loud fuck... besides, he knew where this would lead, she knew where it would lead... it would be rude to stop now...

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He was a loud fuck.

Every slick thrust, every urgent ram into her eager hole, he'd squeaked "YELU! YELU! YELU! YELU!" loud enough to wake the dead. Eve had had no idea what in the hell "YELU!" even meant, but she'd wanted him to shut the hell up. He'd been a _good_ fuck, very skilled and caring, very giving, very passionate, but...

"YAAAAAAAAAA, YAHOOOOOOOO!" he'd screamed in his unholy Muppet voice as he released into her, stopped only by the condom. No way in hell she was risking carrying something that might grow up to sound like Miss Piggy.

He'd kissed her all over as they lay there, panting and glistening with sweat in the moonlight. Eve wanted him off. She wanted him out. Good sex wasn't worth going deaf. She'd politely asked him to leave, and he'd graciously accepted. _Smooth, _she thought, forlornly watching his cute little ass wiggle with each step he took as he picked up his clothes, got dressed, and left her room with a "Goodnight, fair lady! Wanna do it again sometime?"

"Ummm, I'm good, thanks. I, uh... I'm taking a vow of celibacy... right now, actually, and, uhh.... well, it's going to be a while. I just figured, you know..."

"I understand perfectly. Say no more!"

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Yes, please, don't say anything else! Eve thought desperately as he winked, blew her a kiss, and left.

Never again. Never again.

His squeals and squeaky moans would haunt her nightmares... she broke into sobs, knowing she would never forget the sound.

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Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with his voice?


End file.
